The lack of posts in the past month and a half, and lack of depth in the last one, may just be a clear indication that I am avoiding my feelings. Sadly, my journal is even in lack of these things are vital to my walk with the Lord. That, my friends, as been proven to me by our great, divine Creator who cares and listens, who embraces and comforts, who speaks and directs, who gently reminds me of His power and sovereignty.

I spent some time with Him today, which was much needed and so refreshing!!! A sincere and Christ-giving friend shared with me a bit of scripture that blessed her this morning. It was just what I needed to hear.

Psalm 103
1 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits
3 who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
5 who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

All too often, I do forget the benefits of the Lord. I forget that my sole purpose in this life is to delight in the Lord. I forget how to delight in the Lord.

That's where I've been for the past few weeks, in a cycle of disappointment with myself, forgetting to look up and not inward and around.

I just happened to grab a book off my shelf before my time with Lord, just in case I needed someone else's thoughts to help me dig deeper into my own heart. And the Lord took my attempt at "self-help" and broke through walls that I had built in my heart and in my head. Steve Douglass, the current President of Campus Crusade for Christ, gave us one of his books this summer. It's called "Enjoying your Walk with God" and I thought it would be cheesey. But God, in his perfect timing, put this book in my hands. I think Steve wrote it for me.

He refreshed me with this simple advice: remember that God is your Heavenly Father and you can talk with Him as you go.

I was sitting at park while I was revelling in the truth that was so simply laid before me. A mother and her son showed up to play on the jungle gym. I observed them briefly, but in that short time, they modeled for me the kind of relationship I long to have with my Heavenly Father. I wrote the following in my journal:

A child is climbing on a playground before me. he is moving about has he pleases, his mom is close beside him to assist him when needed. He climbs the chain-linked ladder with hesitation. His mother braced him as he continued upward. He asked questions. She answered with patience. She rejoiced and encouraged him when he reached the top. He scooted down a slide and ran back to the same ladder. He called for help again as he climbed, she was there. He took the slide down again. He ran about the playground, conversing with his mother as he played. He went back to the chain-linked ladder again, and called to his mother for her aid. She came to his side, but this time encouraged him to try it alone. He did. He made it to the top on his own. He turned back to his mom and smiled. She rejoiced with him. He asks her to watch him go down the slide. He wants to go on his stomach, face first. She warns him that he might get hurt. He hears her concern and goes on his belly, feet first. She laughed at his silly creativity and helped him land gently on the ground. His dependence on her is obvious and so is his joy. And she delights in the joy of her son.

midnight snack...

Being within days of moving out of our apartment in Pomona, we have little food in our fridge. In fact, we have so little food, it's hard to put together a meal. We are surviving on tortillas and celery, ice cream and frozen peas. I personally am looking forward to the full fridge that awaits me at my parent's house. However, with the lack of supplies, rations, or choices, there comes an element of creativity. This may even be the last of my "college cooking" so I am embracing the time and coming up with some simple yet delectable entrees.

Tonight, I wandered into the kitchen, squandering for something to eat. My three o'clock burrito finally burned off. And as I ate what I threw together, I thought, "I probably should let this digest a little, or perhaps even exercise, before I go to bed." It was that delicious!!! Here I am, its nearly 2AM and I have to tell you about it!

I had some raw tortillas I wanted to use. I thought about just making one and putting butter and cinnamon sugar on it... but that wasn't enough.

Here's what you need:
1 Tortilla
some butter
1/4 cup chocolate, melted
1 Tbsp cinnamon sugar
1 cup ice cream of choice (something with chocolate preferred)

Warm the tortilla in a pan. When golden brown on both sides, butter one side and sprinkle the cinnamon sugar. Put butter/sugar side down in pan and let it crisp up. While waiting, melt chocolate. Take the tortilla, put it butter/sugar side down on a plate. Spread melted chocolate on other side of tortilla. Scoop ice cream onto the chocolate side. Roll like a burrito. The buttery/sugary side will be on the outside and give a nice crunch to the delicious chocolatey goodness on the inside. The ice cream will harden the chocolate, but the warmth of the tortilla will melt the ice cream. It's a great and flavorful treat... even after midnight... I mean, especially after midnight!

I hope you all try this. Its soooo good. I think I'll be enjoying them until the ice cream is gone :)

oh HAPPY DAY!

I'm in Fort Collins, Colorado, where there are gathered, thousands of people who are all on this earth for the same reason... to love and follow and teach the good news of Jesus Christ. This morning was our first corporate session and as I looked out across Moby Gym, I saw the Kingdom converging. Each person walked into this place with their whole lives behind them and one purpose before them. Reality is, there was a lot more preoccupying each of their minds, because I was experiencing a lot more in mine. As the worship started, songs of God's promises, His truths, and His grace being sung, I was able to put all those things down. I let them go as my heart bowed before the Cross. Behind each voice that was crying out to the Lord was and is a heart that has been changed by Him and will continue to be changed by Him. Together we are a family that is constantly growing and expanding. All of it for His glory.

Oh happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

I got a clearer picture of the gospel. I saw clearly that I have not been experiencing it fully. I never will be able to with my own intellect. We had the privilege of hearing from Tim Keller today. He is obviously full of the Holy Spirit and the way it spills out of his heart is through the words that he shares with us. There was a lot that I wanted to retain from the talk, but I walked away with one thing that changed my perspective of the good news of Jesus Christ. I briefly want to share it, but let me just say that I do not have the words or the concise and thought-provoking ways that Tim Keller does. Here it goes:

As a society, we face a lot of pressures to justify our existence with what we claim to be; an artist, a mother, a thief, a student, a friend, a busy business person, a dentist, a therapist, a murderer, a musician, a "what every label or title you carry". These things are what people know us as, and we see them as our identity, our "valid" excuse to perfect who we are and become who we want. Our idea of receiving God's forgiveness is to come to Him whole, put together, perfect and blameless. This is self-righteousness. This is what keeps me from experiencing the gospel.

God doesn't require us to be perfect when we come to Him. He actually prefers that we aren't. Imagine that! This righteousness we try to find in ourselves is a mere counterfeit of the righteousness of Christ that God offers us through the Cross. In Christ we are perfect. We are blameless and with out blemish before God. When we apply this truth to our lives we can recognize that our efforts to clean ourselves up are wasted.

I learned today that justification doesn't stop at forgiveness. When we are forgiven, it's as though we are let out of jail, the chains are cut from our wrists and ankles and we are free to run from the negative things that we were enslaved to. Justification is a welcoming, warm and comforting, positive invitation into a new kind of life where we will be refined and polished, constantly changing as we rely on the Holy Spirit. As we turn from sin, we should turn to the one who saved us from it, rejoicing with all we have inside us!

Oh happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

When I stand, in that place
Free at last, meeting face to face
I am Yours Jesus You are mine
Endless joy, perfect peace
Earthly pain finally will cease
Celebrate Jesus is alive
He's alive

Imagine

Lately I've been taking notice of attention snagging happenings that turn the heads of all people.
The sun as it's setting.
The comfort of a rainbow.
The contentment of elderly holding hands.
The grandeur of lightning.
The captivating joy of children at play.
The shade of a full tree.
The radiance of the moon.
The strength of the wind.
The passing of clouds.
The roar of a waterfall.
The giant stature of mountains.
The vastness of the ocean.
The sun as it's rising.


Imagine if the whole world was captivated by the complete sufficiency of Christ.
Imagine if the whole world gathered in the shelter of the only tree that matters.
Imagine if the whole world stopped to stare at the brilliance of the Cross like they do sunsets.
Imagine if the good news got caught in the wind.

Grace.

"Grace will never be amazing to us if we do not understand the suffering that happened on the cross."

I lived my whole life, up until I was about 19 years old, staring at the cross, where I gained an awareness of the appreciation I should feel for the suffering that Jesus Christ endured for my sorry sinful soul. I was guilty. I was the one who nailed Him there. He felt so much physical pain.

But it was not only the flogging of His body that caused the pain that He experienced. While he was beaten by Roman guards, whose sole intention was to kill Him long before He ever had to be hanged, He experienced the suffering that we deserve for our sin. He was separated, forsaken by the Father Almighty, the God we are quick to recognize as kind, gentle, compassionate, and loving. He is all those things. But He's also just and wrathful. To Him the sins we commit are acid to His love. When Jesus bore all our sins, He experienced His wrath, being struck again and again for the punishment of all. God is repulsed by our sin and desires to destroy it. When we cling to our sin, it destroys us, it separates us from the love that God has for us.

Why would we choose that separation when we know Jesus has experienced it for us?

It's a daily struggle for me to accept that. I have a hard time believing that Jesus' death is enough to cover the craziness of my life, the repetitive determination to overcome my sin and defeat it on my own. It's easy for me to be convinced of my sin, but incredibly difficult to be convinced of the grace of the Cross.

My prayer is to remember daily the blood shed on my behalf, so that my response to God, the Father is forever humble thankfulness, causing me to turn from my sin and run towards the Savior of my soul, Jesus Christ.

Once restrained, now set free.

I'm in a place that is completely conducive to new beginnings. Fort Collins, Colorado. I am surround daily by the warm and comforting hearts of close friends, who fill themselves on the beauty of the Holy Spirit and only offer me what is true and what is good. I am ever so blessed to be in this place, where God is truly doing a work in my heart. He has shown me clearly that I am not supposed to leave here the same as when I arrived, and there is no way I will arrive by the time I leave.

If any of you know me, even in the least bit, you would know how much I love nature, trees especially. I love finding God in nature, how He reveals Himself to me. Being in Colorado has heightened my God-in-nature sense greatly. I've felt restricted the past few weeks, like an adolescent tree in a park that the gardeners forgot to untie. Think of this image, a tree obviously strong enough to stand alone, but with in inches are two posts flanking the two sides, all attached by two thick rubber bands. There's no budging. The strongest winds seem to be no contest. As this tree grows the bark of the trunk grows around the bands. The posts start leaning, so does the tree. All the while, the tree is nourished by the right things; sun from the sky, nutrients and water from the earth.

I am this trees. I have established a support system around me, posts on which I depend on, lean on, strap myself to. I cling so desperately to them, finding my strength in them, I'm completely dependent.

A gardener visits the park again. He makes his way to the deepest corner of the park where this tree has grown. He stands back to assess the problem. He takes out his clippers and cuts away the bands. The posts give way. The tree seems to stumble at the loss of its support.

These past few weeks have been a process, God is my gardener. He cut away the bands that hold me upright. I shuttered a little, put up a fight. My bark grew over the bands, attempting to hide them. I didn't want to let go because I was afraid I would fall. But to my surprise I stayed standing.

His hand keeps me upright. His love and concern, and promises support me. He is my strength to stand. While the scars are left in my bark, where my self-made support was attempting to make its way to my core. But He sees that and my poor stature as beautiful. He works with the messed up tree that I am. He provides me with fresh water. He pours out His mercy in the rain. He prunes my branches, and harvests fruit from under my leaves. He takes me through seasons and reveals His plan. He brings people into my shelter and cares for them in the shade of my limbs. He is the reason for my life. If I had been confined to those posts and bands, I would have never had the capacity to grow. I'm a tree undone. Though I'm scarred, He uses me. Though I'm leaning, He loves me.

________
I'll try not to make all my posts so cliche. I just wanted to explain the "Trees Undone" name of my blog. :)